Birmingham and I spent some time our nation’s capital this weekend to witness the sacrament of marriage between my very, very Catholic high school friend and the love of his life. If I have the time, I’ll delve more thoroughly into the details, but for now, I would like to present:

Tips on how to get through an hour and a half of Catholic mass if you are a non-believer:

  • Pretend you are on an anthropological journey in a distant foreign land observing an ancient ritual.
  • Count all the calories you burn by standing, sitting, and standing again (even more if you kneel or walk up for communion wine & crackers.)
  • During the lord’s prayer, play “spot the Protestants” by listening for people who keep praying aloud after the “deliver us from evil” line. n.b. If the Catholic mass crams so much into one service, why would they cut the prayer short?
  • When the congregation says “and may the lord also be with you” mutter “so say we all” as if you are a follower of the Battlestar Galactica religion.
  • (this one comes from Birmingham) Make an audible scoff noise each time someone says “Pope Benedict the sixteenth.”
  • Using your right foot: kneel bar goes up, kneel bar goes down, kneel bar goes up, kneel bar goes down. Good for about 15 minutes.
  • Think about all the natural resources that were dug up to make the building.
  • It may look like you’re reading the hymnal, but there’s actually a copy of the Sam Harris book inside!
  • Whatever you do, don’t think about food, because you’re not leaving for a long, long time.
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    5 responses to this post.

    1. Posted by Anonymous on October 9, 2006 at 7:30 pm

      I always imagined myself swinging from the lights/candelabras hanging from the ceiling.

    2. Posted by Anonymous on October 9, 2006 at 7:31 pm

      Err…chandelier.

    3. Posted by LILY on October 9, 2006 at 8:15 pm

      This was hilarious….yet somehow not enough to blot out the horror of my Catholic childhood, alas.

    4. Posted by FDP on October 9, 2006 at 8:53 pm

      I bet you’re just love-love-loving the fact that we had what may have been the shortest wedding ceremony in history– it may have taken longer for the 8 bridemaids to walk down the aisle than it did for KJW & I to say our “I dos.” Here’s one for team agnostic.

    5. Posted by Chachi on October 10, 2006 at 12:37 am

      The only real plus to the Catholic saga wedding is usually the food afterwards….and if it was an Italian Catholic wedding, then you KNOW there’s gonna be good viddles!

      Hope your trek to the D of C was fun.

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