Why it’s bad to rent from a person who once wrote a book about being committed.

A phone conversation this weekend with my landlady:

Me: Hi landlady! Since you got mad when I didn’t report my broken shower to you right away, I want to let you know that my sink is completely backed up right now.

Crazy Landlady: Well, what have you done to fix it?

Me: Besides call you because it’s your job to get it fixed, I’ve plunged, I’ve tried baking soda and vinegar, and I’ve plunged some more. I’ve spent all week cleaning the cottage, and the sink is the one thing I can’t fix.

CL: That’s good, it’s important to me that you love the cottage. Have you tried using a plunger?

Me: Only for 15 straight minutes using all my might.

CL: Maybe you should try plunging it.

Me: Can you please call in a plumber, because I think it needs professional help, it’s completely clogged.

CL: Well, please don’t put drano down the sink again.

Me: Just to let you know, one more time, it was the people who lived here before me who used drano once a month, not me.

CL: (Long, long, long pause…) What is your work address?

Me: Why do you need that?

CL: You told my friend that you’re always away so I need to know where I can contact you.

(note: after I told her my shower had been broken for over a month, the landlady’s friend called me to let me know that my landlady is upset that it took me so long to report the problem, and I told her it’s only because I don’t use the shower that often because I often shower at the gym or at Birmingham’s and I’m not really home that much.)

Me: (sigh, give her my work address and phone number) But please, use my cell phone because I don’t want to bother my co-workers while I’m having crazy talk with you.

CL: (long pause) What?

Me: Just please, try me on my cell phone first. If you leave a message, you only have to do it once, I’ll get it. Also, I wanted to let you know that the driveway’s going to need to be re-stoned because the plows knocked all the stones to the side during the storms this winter.

CL: They’re not supposed to do that.

Me: I don’t think they meant to remove all the stones, but doesn’t that just happen when you plow a stone driveway?

CL: I don’t understand.

Me: All the stones that were on the driveway are on the grass, leaving only mud. It needs to be fixed. It’s worse on your side of the driveway.

CL: On my side?

Me: Yes, when you come up here again in the spring, you’ll find that your side of the driveway is completely muddy, the plows knocked all the stones away.

CL: They shouldn’t have done that.

Me: So, you’ll have the plumber here to fix the sink?

CL: (long pause) If you’re sure you’ve plunged it, I’ll call him.

Me: I’m sure. I really need to go now.

CL: I’m really, quite moved that you thought to call me about this problem. I do hope that you enjoy living in the cottage.

Me: I would love it even more if the dishwater went away, like it’s supposed to.

CL: Okay, much love! (click)

Me: …

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by NancyPearlWannabe on March 27, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Wow, she sounds very… umm… interesting. How long did you say your lease was?!

  2. Posted by stefanie on March 27, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    See, now, I thought I missed being able to just call someone and expect them to take care of it when something was wrong with my place (rather than having to hunt down and pay for a repair-person myself). Now you have reminded me why owning my home and having to take things into my own hands is not all bad.

  3. Posted by 3carnations on March 27, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    Wow…Renting from a crazy person would freak me out. What if you wake up one morning and she’s standing over your bed just looking at you…

    By the way, did you try plunging it? :p

  4. Posted by Kelli on March 27, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    oh landlords. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.

  5. Posted by xsquared on March 27, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    I had a variety of slumlords while I was single, and I hated every one of them. But after reading this, they are starting to not look so bad.

  6. Posted by mermu on March 28, 2007 at 12:37 am

    I tend to try to do my own thing whenever I can to avoid just such a conversation with my crazy-though-not-committed landlady. You know, if the next time you plunge it doesn’t work, you should try BAAM!

    It’s the one and only thing I’ve bought from HSN. I half expected to have to return it but it worked. It cleaned out my grossly clogged shower and I successfully avoided *the conversation*.

    I’m a dork. I’m promoting BAAM!

  7. Posted by -R- on March 28, 2007 at 4:32 am

    It sounds like she has a short term memory of about 5 seconds. Or maybe she was high.

  8. Posted by Noelle on March 28, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    NPW – the lease is up in June. I’m actually thinking I may stay.

    stefanie – the sink still isn’t fixed. I think I’d rather be in charge of it myself, but for the paying for it part.

    3carnations – thankfully, she doesn’t stay on the property in the winter, and it’s hard for her to go up my stairs… Good idea on the plunger!

    kelli – I wish I could live without ’em. So much!

    xsquared – I have to say, she’s at least not a slum lord, although after these kinds of conversations, I wish my calls would just go unanswered.

    mermu – you sound like Emeril’s plumber!

    -r– it’s probably both.

  9. Posted by Meredith Lucio on March 28, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    Baam!

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