And then something happened that the ring did not intend

Wyckoff, New Jersey, Circa December 2004: Birmingham visits my parents’ house for Christmas, and gifts me jewelry. I try to tell him I like it, but there’s a reason I got drawn into technical theatre, not acting. I get him an awesome bracelet with Celtic knots and he really likes it. Totally not awkward at all.
Solvang, California, Circa November, 2005: Birmingham & I vacate for a week. He tells me that he wants to buy me something, but I have to pick it out so as to not relive the Christmas morning of which we do not speak. I find a ring in a cute little shop, and he purchases it for me. I love it so!
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa August, 2006: I realize I haven’t seen the ring in a really long time. I am very sad. I frantically search everywhere in the cottage except for the dresser in the closet, which has a frightening amount of dust and cat hair behind it.
Hudson Valley, New York, Circa November, 2006: I fess up to Birmingham that the ring’s been missing for a while. He still loves me.
The Beach Somewhere, Connecticut, Circa January 2007: Birmingham is at the ocean on New Year’s and loses the bracelet I gave him.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa March, 2007: After suffering from some serious environmental related respiratory problems, I clean the hell out of my cottage, with a vague notion that I may find the ring. I clean behind the dresser. No joy.
Wyckoff, New Jersey, Circa April, 2007: I visit my parents’ bookstore. I notice my mother, who never wears jewelry that isn’t a big chunky necklace, is wearing a ring. I ask her where she got it. She tells me she found somewhere at the store and Sister Alyson told her that she should refrain from wearing it at work, because someone is bound to come in and claim it. I tell her, “Guess what, Mom! I’m that person! It’s the ring that Birmingham got for me and it’s been lost all this time!” Elizabeth relinquishes the ring.
Wappingers Falls, New York, Circa April 2007, 6:30 PM: Ring on finger, I journey to the gym to work out watch TV. After 10 minutes, my fingers swell so I put the ring into the pocket of my workout pants and zip up the pocket.
Wappingers Falls, New York, Circa April 2007, 7:30 PM: The Simpsons are done for the night, I finish up on the treadmill and commence lifting weights.
Wappingers Falls, New York, Circa April 2007, 7:45 PM: Lifting weights sucks. In the dressing room I check if I’ve lost any weight since 6:30. (I haven’t.)
Galleria Mall, New York, Circa April 2007, 8:15 PM: I go to Target to get some cheap crap. I pick up seven items to try on in the dressing room, only to get hassled by the lady who has one piece of power in her life, and that is making sure that women don’t enter the dressing room with more than six items. I leave the wishful thinking size 8 skirt behind, because I’m still a few hours on the elliptical away from that, and try on the other six items.
Galleria Mall, New York, Circa April 2007, 8:30 PM: I purchase some cheap crap.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:00 PM: As I get home, play with the zipper of my workout pants, only to find it unzipped. I reach in the pocket, and the ring is gone. I. Freak. Out.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:05 PM: Using the phone number printed on the Target receipt, I call customer service. Get connected to the power wielder at the dressing room desk, who “can’t possibly search every single dressing room because of the amount of people who need her to stand by to make sure they don’t enter the premises without more than the six approved items.” I have no shame, I beg her because I really love this ring.
Galleria Mall, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:05 PM: Target closes in one hour, but our hero, the only woman on the payroll who gives a darn about enforcing rules, reluctantly puts down the phone. She’s not supposed to leave her post unless she has someone to cover for her, and she just doesn’t trust Janey in apparel to do the job right. She eyes the two teenage girls in the dressing room suspiciously, but smiles when they look up at her. The frantic bitch on the phone lost her precious ring, and she said it was likely in the fourth room on the left. She looks in, and as she suspected, sees nothing. Her rooms are clean.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:06 PM: The woman tells me, “Miss, I looked in the fourth room from the left, and there’s nothing in there, not even a stray piece of paper.” I ask her if she would look in the other rooms because I was just guessing it was the fourth room. I don’t have the Target dressing room layout memorized. Reluctantly, she caves and comes back to the phone two minutes later to say nothing is there. She suspects that if someone found it, they kept it. “Have a great day!” she chirps, and hangs up the phone.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:10 PM: I find my Planet Fitness contract and call the gym. No ring has been found. Devastating.
Middle of Nowhere Town, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:15 PM: Birmingham gets a call from me, I tell him what was once found is now lost again. He’s tells me not to worry, because that means we’re even again, seeing that his bracelet is likely still in the Atlantic as it did not show up on his mother’s wrist when she returned from Florida. I joke that if we ever get married, we’ll have to tattoo on our rings. The line mysteriously goes dead.
Christmas Tree Farm, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:30 PM: On a whim, I call Planet Fitness again. “Wait a second.” The woman on the phone says, “is it a thick silver ring?” “With engraved scroll-y things??!!!” I yell. Planet Fitness has my ring. They tape it to a piece of cardboard with my name and hold it for me.
Wappingers Falls, New York, Circa April 2007, 9:30 AM: After swimming, getting blood taken for my yearly physical, and getting my oil changed (at EXACTLY 6000 miles, natch) I show up at the gym and claim my prize. Once again, we are united. I know I say this every time, but I’ll never lose it again.


5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by -R- on April 25, 2007 at 2:49 am

    Hey, I used to live approximately 9.9 miles (according to Yahoo Maps) away from where your parents live!

    I feel like you are destined to keep that ring forever. It is kind of cool, kind of spooky.

    I returned a necklace H gave me once, and he pretended he was ok with that, but now he mentions it every Christmas and birthday. Aargh.

  2. Posted by rdl on April 25, 2007 at 11:25 am

    Yeah, I love a happy ending. great post. now i’m late for work tho. 🙂

  3. Posted by lizgwiz on April 25, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    You and the ring are meant to be. In an on-again, off-again kind of way, apparently. 🙂

  4. Posted by NancyPearlWannabe on April 25, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    Phew! I am notorious for losing earrings everywhere, but I’ve never once found them again. Apparently your One Ring has a mind of it’s own.

  5. Posted by mermu on April 26, 2007 at 2:05 am

    Coupla things…

    I have an ex-boyfriend like that. Every 5-10 years or so we re-connect. We can totally lose track of each, move to different states, and practically get amnesia. Still every few years somehow we find a way to get in touch.

    I actually know a couple that opted for the tattoed rings rather than metal. No way to lose them, and they can’t remind you of how fat you are getting.

    As far as earrings. I could start a boutique dedicated towards the earware of one-eared individuals. It makes me so mad!! The remaining piece only serves as a brutal reminder of the lovely accessory I can no longer use. Although I could become a pirate. Plenty of pirates have asymmetrical ear jewelry.

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