When I wake up in the morning, and the alarm lets out a warning, I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time

Now that it’s the fall and it’s dark when I wake up, it’s harder to break out my patented get-out-of-bed-without-snoozing technique.  I can’t get wide-awake first thing in the morning, or last thing in the morning, for that matter. My assent from wonderful sleepytime into consciousness is very, very slow.  However, at 1:17 this morning, I had no problem waking bolt upright to the sound of my cat throwing up a hairball.  Throwing up a hairball on my good comforter.

Normally, she’s a hairball-free kitty, which is odd because she also has an OCD-like condition that caused her to lick off all the fur on her tummy.  Where all that hair went, I don’t know.  I do know that at 1:17 in the morning when I heard her making the unmistakable HSCPT! HSCPT! HSCPT! noise of cat upchuck, I had no hesitation about running to the chilly downstairs bathroom to get a wet towel in order to save my comforter.  And, as an afterthought, to make sure the cat was okay.

When hours later the alarm went off for real, it was not so easy to get out of bed.  In fact, I had to snooze once before I felt like I could really do it.  So starting tomorrow, I’m going to get an alarm clock that goes HSCPT! HSCPT! HSCPT! and threatens to stain my comforter, which I now know is the only surefire way to jump out of bed on these crisp fall mornings.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Brilliant! The hairlarm clock! You’ll make millions! But…I don’t know, I don’t like waking up to the “Beep beep beep” of the alarm. I don’t know how enjoyable it will be to wake up to the “Ach, ach, blech” of the hairlarm.

    The important thing is to market it to OCD people.

  2. Yeah, but that’s also a good way to wake up stressed and anxiety-ridden every morning, and that’s no way to wake up.

    Also, I will now have the theme from Saved by the Bell in my head for the remainder of the morning. Thank you for that.

    It’s true, the anxiety would be akin to having that song stuck in your head all day.

  3. For me, it is the sound of one or both of the cats horking up the kibble they scarfed down without chewing. I never hear my husband’s alarm, but at the first hork, my feet are on the floor, desperate to find the sick cat and hustle them away from the carpet.

    So yeah, put me down for one of those alarm clocks.

    Usually my cat is pretty good at “horking” on the wood not the carpet. BTW, I think I love that word.

  4. What is it about the sound of animal upchuck that can wake you out of a death-like slumber? The cat hairball sound is great (however, stepping on said hairball in your bare feet is NOT), and the dog pukey sound is slightly less so but also great. What is it about that deep down in the throat hack hack noise that can rouse you into a bolt upright position to see where the sound is coming from. Many a night I have done so only to a) see that it’s coming from the corner of the room (I’ll deal with it in the morning) or b) see that it’s coming from my bed (at which point the dog in question is whisked- little dog- or pushed- big dog- off the bed and onto the floor in one swift motion). Whatever it is about it works WAY better than my alarm I agree, so I think the hack hack alarm would be effective it you marketed it. I would buy one. 🙂

    I will have to train the cat accordingly

  5. You can borrow my cat if you want. She pukes constantly. Usually about 10 minutes after she eats. I think you’d just need some food delivery system that works on a timer.

    Also, I’ve found that instead of trying to get something under the cat before she pukes, it’s quicker to just move the puking cat to an easy clean surface. Of course, then you’re walking around hunched over and holding a puking cat away from your body, which is kind of weird.

    The worst is when you don’t find it until it’s already dried. That stuff sets like concrete.

    I thought about throwing her off the bed when I first heard the noise, but that seemed needlessly cruel, so I just sat up and watched it happen.

  6. I avoid this situation by:

    1. Not owning a cat

    2. Not having a “good” comforter. Because really, there’s no point in my owning anything nice if I have to worry about spilling Diet Pepsi on it.

    But if Kitty McUpchuck functions as an effective alarm, then I say great! Just teach her to do this every morning at the same time and you’ll be styling.

    If you loved sleeping as much as I do, you would have a better comforter.

  7. Posted by EvilKate on October 10, 2007 at 9:59 am

    Oh, Kitty McUpchuck…amusement Christmas Christmas, that’s what you provide me.
    I need an alarm that sounds like my phone when I’m on dorm duty. That sucker will wake me from the dead if I think there’s a kid in need on the other end. It’s not necessarily because I care, more that I’m afraid the building might burn down…

    My phone does the same thing. That’s why I just turn it off at night and let emergencies wait until morning.

  8. The one thing I don’t like about fall is the dark mornings. I have the hardest time waking up in the dark. THE HARDEST.

    The hairball alarm does work well, though. Years ago, when I only had two cats (ahhh…those were the days), one was a puker, and the other wasn’t. They both slept on the bed. I got really good at reaching out and grabbing Peeper and launching her off the side of the bed to finish her horking. I hardly even woke up. One night I heard the sound, did my thing, settled back down, and then noticed the noise was continuing unabated next to my head. I sat up and realized Peeper was horking on my pillow, and Kippy was sitting in the floor looking completely confused. I had woken him from a sound sleep throwing him off the bed and he had no idea why. Poor baby!

    Waking up in the dark is so uncool. And thanks for helping to bring “horking” further into the lexicon!

  9. That noise is the sound of the Apocalypse. We have three cats so we go through this routine weekly.

    It’s just like the sound of locusts, and with more mess.

  10. I think I’d definitely wake up to that alarm as well.

    Although not having a cat, I’m trying very hard to imagine what it actually sounds like..

    It’s a hard noise to emulate without hurting yourself. Do bunnies make noise?

  11. yes, market that clock and you will be a rich woman…you could get it in a variety of sounds…

    for me it would be the garbage truck coming down the street, I always bolt up and think “shit did I bring the garbage to the curb”

    Oh, that would piss me off if the garbage bin on my farm wasn’t SO DAMN FAR from my door.

  12. I am not sure whether I have commented on your site all week or not. I am disillusioned by the fact that your blog hates me.

    At times like this, I am glad that I am allergic to cats.

  13. ew, cats are gross.

    Yes, but at least she doesn’t lick up on my glasses like my sister’s dog. (Who I LOVE!)

  14. the way you describe the cat hairball throw-up sound is DEAD ON.

    Thanks! I actually acted it out a few times to get the letter combo just right.

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