Recently, Birmingham and I got back in touch. We’re not together again as a couple, we’re trying to lift the gag-order of friendship to see if we can stay in touch without falling into an emotional black hole. Even though we still have the same relationship problems, (he won’t even think about just fucking proposing already, and I’m kind of enjoying being single and letting guys buy me drinks at the bar), there’s no reason we can’t at least talk or see each other every once and a while. Another reason I wanted to get back in touch is that he’s such a good source of blog fodder. Sometimes he says ridiculous things and I get to embarrass him publicly, which is a good punishment for not fucking proposing already. And sometimes he says things that really get me thinking. For instance, a conversation we had on the phone the other night:

Noelle: Have any plans for tonight?

Birmingham: Slim (his roommate) and I rented a movie.

N: Which one?

B: I don’t remember the name. It’s some Jodie Foster movie. The one where she fights back.

N: Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that describe EVERY Jodie Foster movie? Even Little Man Tate.

B: Even the ones she made when she worked for Disney. She’s a fighter.

It got me thinking: is that true? Does she really fight back in every movie? Let’s do a quick imdb search and see what comes up…

The Brave One (which turns out to be the movie in question) imdb says: A woman struggles to recover from a brutal attack by setting out on a mission for revenge.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who have attacked her.

Inside Man imdb says: A cop has to talk down a bank robber after the criminal’s perfect heist spirals into a hostage situation.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would rob a bank

Flightplan imdb says: If Someone Took Everything You Live For… How Far Would You Go To Get It Back?
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would mess with her on an airplane, including the only Fellowship of the Ring member who bit it in the first movie.

Panic Room imdb says: It was supposed to be the safest room in the house
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would break into her room and make fun of her kid’s long hair.

The Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys imdb says: A group of Catholic school friends, after being caught drawing an obscene comic book, plan a heist that will outdo their previous prank and make them local legends.
– Jodie Foster (in the name of Jesus) FIGHTS BACK against those who would defy Catholic sensibility.

Anna and the King imdb says: The story of the romance between the King of Siam and the widowed British schoolteacher Anna Leonowens during the 1860’s.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would say that the white lady has no place in Siam.

Contact imdb says: Dr. Ellie Arroway, after years of searching, finds conclusive radio proof of intelligent aliens, who send plans for a mysterious machine.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would say she can’t go into space, and those who believe in invisible sky daddies.

…I think it’s obvious her recent movies fit the bill, what if we look a little further back?…

Little Man Tate imdb says: Dede is a sole parent trying to bring up her son Fred.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against those who would make her kid eat a macrobiotic diet.

Silence of the Lambs imdb says: A young FBI cadet must confide in an incarcerated and manipulative killer to receive his help on catching another serial killer who skins his victims.
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK in night vision.

…I could keep going here but, let’s go waaaaay back, ’cause she made a shitload of TV movies in the 80’s that no one remembers…

Freaky Friday imdb says: Annabel and her Mother are not quite themselves today- in fact, they’re each other!
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against her childhood, for a day.

Taxi Driver imdb says: On every street in every city, there’s a nobody who dreams of being a somebody
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against her childhood. Period.

Tom Sawyer imdb says: Tom Sawyer and his pal Huckleberry Finn have great adventures on the Mississippi River, pretending to be pirates
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against Amy Lawrence, and civilization in general.

The Wonderful World of Disney: imdb says: Probably one of the best variety style show ever made
– Jodie Foster FIGHTS BACK against becoming yet another sad child actor.

I think I made my case here.


18 responses to this post.

  1. LOL! I saw Little Man Tate in the theater yeeeears ago and I cannot remember why, why did I pay money to see THAT. The camera angles in Panic Room made me want to boot, the Silence of the Lambs made me never want to try Chianti, and the Accused forever ruined pinball machines for me. I’m fighting back against Jodie Foster.

  2. My God, Christmas Tree, you’re a genius. The lesson here, of course, being do not mess with Foster.

  3. Posted by Michelle on March 6, 2008 at 5:36 am

    You are wicked smaht.

  4. Would you want to see a movie where Jodie Foster DOESN’T fight back?

    Oh, and Birmingham…f-ing propose already. Even if maybe that ship has sailed, it seemed like the thing to say. 🙂

  5. This made me remember why I kind of hate Jodie Foster. I also enjoyed the double entendre of this post title.

  6. It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

    It’s really nice that you and Birmingham are trying to stay in touch.

  7. No wonder Jodie Foster needs to take an extended break from movie-making every few years or so. All that fighting back must get exhausting.

  8. Your tone describing your own “contact” is very Jody Foster.

    I’m glad B-ham and Slim are getting in touch with their feminist empowerment sides. Way to FIGHT BACK, gentlemen.

  9. That Jodie–she sure does have an amazing range as an actress!

  10. I wonder if Jodie Foster even has a bodyguard. Can’t she kick anyone’s ass who tries to mess with her?

  11. Damn, Jodie Foster, the opposite of…shit, who said it, Michael Jackson?: “I’m a fighter, not a lover”. I might even venture to say….she’s a female Chuck Norris!

  12. You know that annoying category at the top of everyone’s resume that says “objective:”? Now we know what Jodie Foster lists as her “objective” in finding new jobs.

  13. Wasn’t she in Nell? Who was she fighting in that?


    She’s fighting back against society.

  14. Case made.

    Something about her bothers me. I can’t quite figure it out.

  15. Posted by EvilKate on March 6, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Jodie Foster should have an energy drink for Ace to try.

  16. Posted by The Grey Boy on March 6, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    I heard Cevin Kostner wants to do another “Bodyguard” movie. Maybe Jodi should play his bodyguard and protect him from my contempt.

  17. Good luck with the friendship, Noelle.

    Did you know there was a band called JFA or Jodie Foster’s Army back in the 80’s?? I used to listen to them when I was in my punk rock phase (mid to late 80’s). They rocked.

    You know about John Hinckley’s obsession with Jodie Foster, right? If a guy who attempted to assassinate the president was obsessed with me, I might be a fighter, too. I’m just sayin.

  18. Hahaaha – Excellent work. Foster is terrible.

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