Vacation oh I want to get away

I’ve had a blank “create new post” window up for most of the day, but I’ve come to the conclusion that my life is very boring, and no one wants to hear about the gentle hum of florescent lights or the beauty of cinder block walls and the other trappings that come with The Place I Don’t Blog About, aka where I spend 1/3 of my life. I think I need to go on a vacation and re-charge myself, or at least come up with some fun entires lest I start talking about how good white paint looks under cool light or even worse, the funny things my cat did.

Actually, I think this is boiling down to how I’m not enjoying the single life right now. I like having a boyfriend as a foil. Even a roommate would be good, because doing stuff alone sucks. For instance, I watched “I am Legend” last night and I was jealous of Will Smith because he had a dog, and that dog was much better company than my cat. After the movie was over, I turned to my cat and asked her what she thought, and she just looked at me with eyes that begged me not to turn the space heater off, because evidently the only thing she likes about me is my ability to provide heat and food. This morning when my co-worker asked me how I was brave enough to watch scary movies by myself, I kind of snapped because my only response was, “because who the fuck else am I going to watch them with?” It’s not that I don’t have great friends up here, because I do, but they’re not always free, and I don’t want to go out every night, and even when I see my friends, the moment I’m by myself again, I’m weighed down by loneliness.

I’m getting myself a little worked up over here because of this, and I don’t want to be bitching here on the blog, but I’ve had an unshakable sad and single feeling since this weekend when I saw so many of my friends who are happily coupled and/or married. There was a moment when I was walking away from the party to the place where I was staying, and I had to walk the last two blocks alone, and it was like a crushing sadness of BY MYSELF hit me. Now it’s bubbling up underneath the surface, and I don’t know what the deal is, or how I’m going to make it go away. The one thing I know for certain is that no one ever said, “you’ve got to date this girl, she’s awesome, especially the way she mopes and feels sorry for herself and starts crying over nothing in the middle of Stop & Shop!” Not that I’m the first person in the world to ever feel alone (hello, Eleanor Rigby?) or that I need to suppress my feelings in order to land a man (hello, every single housewife in 1950?) but I don’t think I’m in a good place for dating right now, and I would like to feel better, now-ish would be good.

I do have one thing that’s getting me through right now, and that’s looking forward to the weekend. As you may recall, I’m going to Boston to compete in my swim meet with the New England Masters on Saturday and Sunday. There’s nothing like a good goal (swimming 200 yards without throwing up being mine) to get my mind off the doldrums. I’ve also packed in what’s left of that weekend with activities that should prove to be fan-freaking-tastic, including meeting some people on my blogroll that I’ve “known” forever but never met, which is also exciting enough to make my stomach full of butterflies. And even though that’s a mini-vacation in itself, I think I’m going to need a few more days to get away from these walls and into a happy place because otherwise I’m going to sleep myself into a boredom-induced oblivion.

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32 responses to this post.

  1. Good luck at your meet! That’s so exciting! As is meeting bloggy people.

    So sorry to hear that you’re feeling mopey. I totally agree that cats do little to help. Can you have a dog in your cottage? I think I like my dog better than most people. I probably shouldn’t admit that.

    There is no problem with me having a dog, but for my cat. She would die of fright and hatred.

  2. Oh, Noelle. I have been there. Lots of times. I know those feelings well. All I can say is try to remember that you are still very much in a post breakup place, that being single is still a new adjustment right now, and most important, that it WILL get better. Really.

    You are definitely not alone, though. I can say this based solely on the fact that I get at least five search engine hits a week on my blog for the phrase “how to enjoy being single” (or some variation thereof). So there you go: apparently I’m an Internet authority on this. Listen to me. πŸ™‚

    Also, wine and blogger togetherness this weekend! Focus on that! Yay!!

    Thanks Stefanie, you are a single inspiration, which alone should land you a man.

  3. Oh poor little peanut. What are we going to do with you? Kickball starts in a few short weeks, then there will be people around again!

    And you are going to kick some serious ass in Boston. I expect a tad bit of live blogging from the pool.

    But for the fact that I’ve been warned “I will get wet” I would live blog…

  4. I know all these feelings, well. I’m in a very similar place right now.
    And good luck with your meet!

    Thanks! I hope you feel better, too!

  5. Okay, so once we have celebrated Boston style, all us bloggers will hop on a plane to somewhere warm (I’m going to say Costa Rica, that sounds good right now) and just hide out there for a few days. We’ll call in sick from a tropical beach where we will wear giant sunglasses and sit in the shade of giant umbrellas and in the mornings we’ll snag hammocks by the ocean and read until it’s warm enough to swim.

    And there are no boys allowed. Because boys are dumb.

    I’m sorry you are not feeling your best lately. I’ve been there and it sucks really, really bad, but it eventually gets better. I don’t really subscribe to the whole, “if you were together for 4 years it will take you 2 years to feel better” mantra, but a few months is definitely normal. And for what it’s worth, I hope you feel better immediately.

    Does it make me shallow that I think a week in Costa Rica would solve my problems? I’ll bring my passport to Boston just in case.

  6. I know exactly what you mean.

    *hugs*

    Thanks, hugs right back!

  7. I’m sorry you’re feeling sad about being single.

    Sometimes you just have to ride out that wave and hold on until you reach the other side.

    And maybe teach your cat to bark.

    Dude, teaching my cat to bark would be a great distraction.

  8. i like reading about your life.

    but i totally understand the need for a vacation.

    My life’s pretty good, really. It just gets boring from time to time.

  9. I’m with NPW: I know exactly where you’re coming from, and I won’t be obnoxious and try and tell you that it will get better but…it will. Just go back and read most of my blog posts from last year.

    Also, a Boston getaway/Blogger meet-up will help to lift your spirits. Maybe NPW and I will start a fistfight or something for your entertainment (I have no doubt that she will kick my ass, but I’ll put in a good effort, anyway).

    Fight! Fight! Fight! Maybe I should bring Hungry Hungry Hippos.

  10. I am so right there with you on the blues & the single life. I had similar experiences in the last week or so that have emphasized my single-dom too. I was going to blog about it myself, but haven’t gotten up the umph it would take to do that. I’m taking Poppy’s advice too and trying to ride out the wave. At least you have your swim meet to look forward to! A change of scenery usually helps too, even a bleak and dreary one sometimes.

    I do usually hate to blog sad, but if I stop blogging, it’s hard to start again.

  11. Being alone is not always easy. Do as you are doing and keep busy – time goes faster that way and also it means you will, when the time is right, meet someone new without actually going out looking for someone.

    I keep a diary partly because it helps to write and also because it is useful to go back in time sometimes and see how you felt and how things never stay sad for long. I guess your blog will work the same way although one of course be more honest and heartfelt in a private diary than on a blog.

    Enjoy your blogmeet and swim thing.

    Being alone is fine, it’s doing things alone that bums me out.

  12. Ugh. I remember that feeling. I really didn’t do single well, truth be told. I put on a good single show – I would keep as busy as possible with lots of people and then at the end of the day…go home. With that same feeling you described. I always assumed other people “did single” better than I ever did. Hang in there…You’ll either re-adjust to it or meet someone great. One of those. Really. πŸ™‚

    Yeah, happiness is not found in relationships alone, but it’s a rare person that just enjoys being single.

  13. Let me first refer to Courtney’s comment above: Say what?

    Also, your cat probably feels the same way about you. You two just need to find something to connect over, like yarn or maybe vandalism. Find that spark.

    I think I love the idea of going on a vandalism spree with my cat. And don’t worry! There are two Courtneys in the Daily Tannenbaum family of commenters! Yours posted later.

  14. Posted by lizgwiz on March 26, 2008 at 9:04 am

    Oh yeah…do I know how you’re feeling. And knowing I’m going to be back there in a couple of months…well, it sucks.

    Maybe you and the cat need a parrot. You can pretend it’s talking to you, and the cat can try to kill it. Win-win!

    Seriously, though…big hugs. Hang in there!

    The vegan stigmata boy had a parrot, but honestly, birds freak me out. I’ll be right there for you if you need me!

  15. Hey Noelle. I know singledom and I know loneliness. They need not go together, but sometimes do. They form a tough tag team when paired up. I’ve taken a beating or two from these formidable foes. Bastards.

    And then…the loneliness and sadness are gone. There are times when I’ve chosen to move on myself and times when the loneliness and sadness just lift. Both scenarios usually require some time passing and a shift towards looking at things through new eyes, ears and all.

    Grief over transition and loss is natural and healthy. Feeling sad is much better than not feeling at all (though feeling sad is full of major suckitude in the moment). I honor your sadness and courage to share it here. I appreciate you keeping it real.

    If I weren’t booked all weekend, I would so invite myself to your swim meet πŸ™‚ Kick water!!

    Kick water made me laugh.

  16. I’m sorry you have been feeling lonely lately. I’m in a great, happy couplehood, but I feel lonely like that, too. As much as AS would like to provide great support and companionship for me all of the time, sometimes he’s too exhausted and I’m too exhausted and I’m alone even though we’re together.

    (Wait, that’s not really encouraging, is it?)

    The swim meet, however, sounds awesome! Anyone who can swim an actual stroke without drowning is a hero to me!

    No it’s so true, one can feel sad even if one is not alone. Swimming’s not all that hard, just one arm in front of the other!

  17. Oh, honey, I definitely have known that feeling – even within my marriage – and it isn’t fun. Does it help that you managed to write about it far more eloquently than I could imagine doing? πŸ˜‰

    I cannot wait to see you this weekend. πŸ™‚

    I appreciate your encouragement!

  18. I can empathize with you as we’ve already pointed out on my own blog entry. Even though I have a boyfriend I’ve spent 80% of my relationship alone due to the distance. Even worse, when you factor in the emotional distance that percentage is probably closer to 90.

    I do agree that dogs make better company than cats. Cats are too independent and only want comfort when it’s convenient for them. If you want to play and toss a toy across the room, they lay there looking at you like you just asked them to bark like a dog.

    I know that one day we’ll both be okay with being alone. And as cheesy as it sounds, this is making you stronger. It’s amazing what blogging gives you though. I’ve discovered a whole new network and support group here in Blog land. It looks like you have a pretty good support group here as well πŸ™‚

    Good luck at your meet! You’ll do fantastic I’m sure!

    I admit I tried out this post as a comment on your blog first!

  19. I’m sorry you feel so crummy. Have a really super great time in Boston with your bloggy friends! I’m sure it will be incredibly uplifting.

    Thanks! It is getting me through the week!

  20. Hang in there, Noelle. We’ve all been there and are here for you.

    Thanks!

  21. Hi Noelle.

    Thanks for a look into your psyche, keepin’ it real as Gregory said.

    Part of what sucks about being single is the feeling like you can’t talk about how much you might not like being single. But then that compounds the loneliness part and exacerbates the whole situation until you feel your little heart wants to BURST.Your description of that two block walk really hit the nail on the head.

    Good luck with your swim meet and ps….why am I not cool enough to have made it into this Boston Blog Meet Up?

    Thanks! I’m meeting up with a different circle of friends this go around. I really won’t be there for long at all, so I didn’t contact people from other circles.

  22. The good news is you have people here who very much want you to write about your feelings rather than suppress them, so that you’ll find yourself smiling rather than crying in the middle of the Stop & Shop.

    It’s definitely an unfun place to be at in your life, but I’d say you’ve got plenty of interesting stuff going on, what with the swim meet and the meetup. Hang in there!

    It’s true, I have an interesting life. Sometimes that makes being sad all that much more strange.

  23. Looks like you have a lot of supportive friends and that’s something you can rely on when you’re feeling lonely and depressed. Most everybody has gone through that crushing kind of loneliness a time or three and can relate to it. You are not boring in the least.

    I hope you cheer up and good luck at your swim meet!

    It’s true, I’ve got great friends, especially in blogworld.

  24. feeling like that is what made me start my blog. don’t worry, it’ll get better!

    but in the meantime, would you enjoy watching the original ending to I am Legend?

    Thank you so much! I love the original ending, and not just because it prominently features my favorite bridge, the GWB.

  25. Posted by Peter on March 26, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    You are not alone because you already 23 comments from blog friends that care. Some of the comments are very genuine and caring about you. You have a great support group and should be proud of that fact. Good luck at your swim meet. This summer I hope to launch my own blog!

    I try not to judge my personal value by my comment count, but um… sometimes I do.

  26. Posted by Michelle on March 26, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    I’d say “break a leg” to you about your meet, but then it sounds like a jinx! Have fun in Boston- and know that your blogging community will ALWAYS have your back! πŸ™‚

  27. {{{Noellee}} you brought all those feelings that i used to have back when i was single with “my cat”.
    But as a good friend of mine used to say to me – be careful what you wish for. 30 is tough – it’s really still like yr. 20’s but not as dumb. I think you will be fine – you are an amazing person. i’d love to meet you in boston too!!

  28. Endorphins can really chase the blues away.

    Hang in there, and good luck this weekend.

  29. sometimes i think that’s all my cats love me for too – food, shelter and heat. oh and sitting in my favorite desk chair when i want to play around on the computer. annoying

    and i saw i am legend the other day too. pretty good, no?

  30. sorry, I meant to post a comment on this a couple of days ago… and what I would have said is similar to what a lot of the folks above have already said… so i’ll just say that i’ve been there too. Why, I was just there a year ago, when I was your age. I went through the longest break up ever (like, 3 months before it finally “ended”) simply because I prefered the company of misery over being alone in my townhouse. Then it hit me that it wasn’t being alone that I was afraid of, it was the direction that my life was going that scared me. So I moved out of that townhouse, sold all my stuff, and lived with the folks for a few months while I focused on me. Because I was in relationship after relationship and never bothered to work on the “why, why am I 30 and still single?” Then once I figured all of that out (after MANY bottled of wine) and asked the universe for assistance in finding what would make me happy – I moved to San Francisco and met the most amazing guy, ever. I’m FINALLY happy!

    Me thinks a weekend in Boston will be good for ya. Have fun!

  31. Posted by Sarah on March 31, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    I don’t think I’d mind much if you blogged about funny things that your cat did.

    I Am Legend was a great movie, and Sam was a great dog. Supposedly, Will Smith wanted to adopt the dog actor, but was unable to do so.

  32. Dude…I know I’m a little late on this- I have been so out of the blog scene lately due to work stuff (I have a new part time job…I’ll try to blog about it so I at least post SOMETHING in 2008) and I’m sure you’re feeling better- but I TOTALLy understand because I was the same way for much of my 20s. DOH. But anyway, I should send you an email with my phone number because I am an A-1 texter, and I am boring and have no “life” as they say so I have ALL THE TIME to return txts. Seriously. If you lived here you would totally be my friend, so the least I can do is be your txt friend. Seriously. I’m sending you my number right now.

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