Uh huh, yes, um, okay…

Since the neighbors moved out of the house next door to me, the landlesbian has been in rare form.  She has been talking up a storm.  A scattered, tangential, incoherent, I-want-to-walk-away-now storm.  Mostly it’s about her frustrations with the guy who’s plastering the house and how he’s a “diva.”  But she also refers to the waterlesbian as a “diva” and the other neighbor who has the audacity to park in front of her own home, blocking the unobstructed view of the house, instead of at the inconvenient far end of the driveway. Pretty much anyone who annoys her in any way is a “diva.”  I’m sure she calls me a “diva” because I was kept up all night by bats in my roof and had the audacity to ask her to do something about it.

Because she couldn’t understand what I was talking about when I told her the bats were making noises DIRECTLY ABOVE MY BED, I finally stopped trying to explain the location and told her I would just draw a diagram so she could show it to the carpenter, and then he could get his butt up on the roof and plug the hole the bats were calling their front door.

Wanting her not to miss a thing, the diagram looked a little like this:

Not my best, refrigerator-worthy work, but I think it got the point across.

This morning, the landlesbian was wandering the grounds as I popped outside, in my PJ’s, to mail a letter.

“Did you go swimming this morning, Noelle?” she screams across the property.

“No, landlesbian, I did not.  That was yesterday.  I’m just mailing a letter.”

“I really liked your picture.”

(not sure what she means, fearing that she somehow found out about the blog, or maybe was talking about the photos inside my house…) “What picture?”

“The one on your door!  You’re just like Isabel Archer from Henry James.  Have you read James, do you know who she is?”

(the answer is no, and yes, but I really want to get inside and put on pants and go to work) “Yes, I’m familiar…”

“She drew pictures, too.”  (Diagrams of bats?) “Henry James was very sad, because he was gay.  He was never as popular as Edith Wharton, and that made him upset.  Did you see the Williams sisters at Wimbledon?”

“um, yes?”

“They are the best female athletes in the world.”

“uh… They are good.”  I should have shut up but then I had to say, “But right now I find Dara Torres the most inspirational.  She’s a swimmer.”

“I don’t know of her.  My inspiration is Proust.”

“I don’t think he was much of a swimmer.  I need to go inside now and get ready for work.”

“You have to go to work at 7:00 in the morning?  Did the bats bother you last night?”

“I still have to eat breakfast before I go, and no, I heard no bats last night.  Please thank the carpenter for taking care of it.”

“He’s such a diva.  You’re such an Isabel Archer.”

Note to self, read Henry James.  Possibly get a discount on rent?

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23 responses to this post.

  1. Whoa. I didn’t understand half of that conversation. At seven in the morning? I would have just heard a loud buzzing.

    It was a lot like a loud buzzing, actually.

  2. Posted by mfijal98 on July 8, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    Your landlesbian stories make me laugh! 🙂

    I wish I was making them up.

  3. I am so curious about this Archer character now. (And that was not meant as a pun)

    When you intend the pun, let me know!

  4. i love the landlesbian. i don’t even know my landlord stupid 270 unit apartment that i live in.

    i know the maintenance guys, does that count?

    Yes, maintenance guys count in most situations.

  5. This is hilarious. I don’t think Proust was much of a swimmer either. 😉

    But I haven’t read all of Proust, perhaps his swimming is hidden in volume 10 or something.

  6. See – She doesn’t call YOU a diva. You’re Isabel Archer. Did you retort with “You’re such a landlesbian.” Probably not.

    I love that she screams questions across the property at 7AM…Because I don’t live near you and I don’t sleep past 7AM. Other people might night like it so much…

    The whole property was up, thank goodness.

  7. might NOT like it so much.

    Note to self: Proof BEFORE hitting submit

    Oh how many mistakes I’ve made in comments.

  8. Posted by Jennifer M. on July 8, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    I’m not really a James fan. He wrote that stupid novella Daisy Miller where the stupid girl died of stupid miasma or something like that.

    I like that your helpful diagram was referred to as artwork. Did you leave it posted on the door for the carpenter to easily find when he came by, or did you just hang it on her door like the 95 Theses in order to avoid a conversation with her?

    It was posted on my door. I don’t think she would have found it on her own door.

  9. Posted by sadieandleo on July 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    LOL, I love when you said, “I don’t think he was much of a swimmer.” So witty.

    I love love love Dara Torres, she IS an inspiration!

    That woman is all muscle.

  10. Oh my word! I’m laughed out loud on that one.

    Lol.

  11. I had a landlord like that one time except his required reading was The Bible. Never got that discount.

    Yup, I would not be able to pass a bible test for residency.

  12. Wow, your house sure is purty. And I’m sorry that you only have one shirt. But it must’ve made it very easy to draw the diagram without having to sketch shoes and purses.

    I have more shirts! That one hangs on the outside of the closet, because it’s from when I was one year old.

  13. Posted by lizgwiz on July 8, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    See, I probably would have responded to the Williams sisters’ comment with some catty remark about Serena’s clothing “design,” and god knows where that would have gone. Probably not to Proust. 😉

    I’m amazed she can play with all those dangly earrings, myself.

  14. I love your landlesbian stories – love love love them. And then I feel guilty for loving them and wanting there to be more of them, because that would mean you would need to be tortured by her more often.

    I have a feeling she’s going to be around a lot more in the future.

  15. OR just keep her talking and put it on the blog! She’s a riot!

    I’ll work on that!

  16. Note to self: Wikipedia Isabel Archer. (Apparently I’m even less up on my James than you are.)

    FYI, I had to Wikipedia her, because I thought it was “Elizabeth Archer.” I’m not up on my James, either.

  17. Posted by supersobe on July 9, 2008 at 8:56 am

    I want to come to the fahm (yankee accent intended) and set up camp in an Adirondack outside your cottage and just observe.

    Usually, it’s quiet…

  18. how do you think so quickly to get such good comebacks? not just good, but witty. Brilliant, if you will.

    That was one of my better ones. Usually I’m a second too late.

  19. So is she just nosy or is she awkwardly trying to become your friend?

    She’s just trying to talk to someone sympathetic.

  20. Wow. Just…wow. She certainly has an unusually bad case of Diarrhea of the Mouth.

    I love the diagram! I love diagrams. So much better than the extended paragraph of explaination that I usually resort to.

    It took me explaining about 15 times before I thought of drawing the chart.

  21. Clearly you aren’t the only one with a bat problem. She apparently has bats in the belfry.

    One or two, yes.

  22. Wow! I’m not sure which impressed me more: the diagram, or the randomocity!

    I’m just happy that you were impressed.

  23. I get landlesbian, but who is waterlesbian? This was funny. Way over my southern head, but funny!

    Jen

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