You’re too damn close

On my way to watch this week’s kickball game, I was behind an ass-ugly yellow Aztek with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m only speeding cause I really have to poop.”  Yeah.  And in addition, there was actually an icon of of a steaming pile of poo on the sticker.  Yeah.  And in addition to THAT, the other side of the car had a blank black rectangle, as if there had once been a bumper sticker there, and the car owner removed it, along with all the paint.  I took a picture with my camera:

What’s even more mystifying to me than this stupid bumper sticker and this ugly-ass car is the removed sticker.  At one time, there was a bumper sticker the owner wanted to display LESS than the one publicly announcing his or her need to defecate.  It made me wonder, what could be worse?

The top 10 bumper stickers that are so much worse than “I’m only speeding cause I really have to poop” they are worth removing the paint on your car to take them off:

10. I was going to go to college, but I became a cop instead. (Or really, anything that insults the people who have the authority to pull your ass over.)

9. I’m only driving erratically because I’m orgasmic.

8.  Jesus is Coming!  Look busy.

7.

It says, "I am Joe the Plumber"

(In some odd kind of coincidence, The Dutchess of Kickball also took a photo of a bumper sticker she saw today and sent this to me. She says this one was taped on to the back of the car in some kind of makeshift need for expression.)

6. If you’re going to get this far up my ass, at least buy me dinner first.

5. If you can read this, thank a teacher.  If you are reading this in English, thank a soldier. (I saw this on a car in town the other day.  It made me happy and then mad, and then sort of confused, and then annoyed, and then I almost rear-ended the car while I was sorting out my feelings.)

4. Basically anything smaller than 72 point font that causes people to get right up on your bumper to read your ridiculous message to the world.

3. I just ate three bran muffins and a drank a fifth of coffee.  Dare me to drive?

2. I’m straight The Christian but not narrow right is neither. (I knew a guy in college who had two bumper stickers, “I’m straight but not narrow” and “The Christian Right is Neither” placed on his car right next to each other.  They were both white with purple writing and on two lines, so if you looked at it quickly, it read like that.  So if you’re going to make the back of your car a billboard for everything you believe, make sure to space appropriately.)

1. McCain/Palin 2008

If you’re dying for more bumper sticker action, check out this site that I found while researching.  Also, it appears that you can buy the original bumper sticker if you really want you own, I’m sorry it say that it’s sold out.  (And that’s the only time I’ll ever link to Amazon.)

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26 responses to this post.

  1. First: Aztecs are hideous to begin with.

    Second: That bumper sticker. WOW. Steaming pile of poo…WOW.

    There’s really just nothing to say to that.

  2. I was actually going to do a post just like this once (well, but with only five, since that’s what I do on Fridays). You beat me to it (or, rather, I forgot about it). I don’t even remember all five stickers I was going to include, but I know among them were “I’m so excited I could shit” (Again with the broadcasting your need to poop! What the heck??), “I [heart] barbershop harmony,” and “Boycott France.”

    Regarding the two stickers spaced too closely, there’s a gas station south of the Twin Cities that sells broasted chicken and also has a car wash. Their giant signs on the side of the building advertising those two features, however, are similarly misplaced. Hence, it looks like they offer a Broasted Car Chicken Wash. It always makes me laugh.

  3. Posted by Pants on October 17, 2008 at 10:23 am

    I have a pretty raunchy sense of humor, but publicly announcing your need to poop seems a big much.

    Some friends had a bumper sticker made for me a few years ago after I bitched and moaned about it being the ultimate slogan: “Jabba the Hut votes Republican”. (It’s true, he does!) I just wish I could put a bumper sticker on my car and still feel good about myself.

  4. Posted by SisterAlyson on October 17, 2008 at 10:26 am

    haha, LOVE #10! I think I know someone special who might like that as a gift.

  5. I was hoping McCain/Palin ’08 would be #1. As a subcategory to the offensive/stupid/repulsive bumper stickers, can talk about how much I hate any bumper stickers that involve dragon references, elves, witches, or other assorted nerdery?

  6. My parents compromised on bumper stickers when my brother and I first started driving their cars. (We always wanted radio station bumper stickers because they if we were spotted we could win “cool” stuff. They made us put them on the glass rear windshield. Both of us continue to do this with our own cars now because we like to change stickers and the glass is easier to scrape off. BTW, I also had a ‘Christian Right Is Neither’ sticker, but it was the only one displayed so my point got across easier.

  7. Posted by nancypearlwannabe on October 17, 2008 at 11:23 am

    Dude, I’ve had enough with the NH vanity plates to last a lifetime. Now I just ignore every bumper sticker I see. Except the McCain/Palin ones. I can’t seem to ignore that stupid star logo.

  8. I don’t even pretend to understand #2.

  9. I’m only speeding because I have to poop is hilarious! I would totally have put that on my car in high school or college.

    My favorite bumper sticker ever was one my sister bought once. We live in GA, so a lot of people have those Jesus loves you stickers on everything. The one she found said – Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole. My mom wouldn’t let her stick it on her car because she feared for her safety.

  10. We saw one in Ithaca once that said, “Jesus was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.” I would have LOVED to meet the person who owned the car.

  11. I’m going to have to say that the poo bumper sticker is the worst of the bunch. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have giggled at it, because I would have.

  12. I always wondered who actually bought Aztecs. Now I feel like I know.

    I hate the cutsie, crunchy granola bumper stickers that I used to see in college –
    Visualize whirled peas.
    My karma ran over your dogma.

    Those sorts of things.

  13. #5 could be a whole post by itself. There is a lot going on there.

    And I say just find some place to pull over and take care of business if you have to poop that bad.

  14. Holy crap – that’s a lot of stickers about… poop.

    In my neck of the woods, I’ve seen quite a few windshield stickers that read “Raw Dog N’ Bail”. They might as well have a sticker that says, “I have an STD”.

    Classy stuff.

  15. I saw “Freedom’s Not Free” on a truck. Not just any truck, but one that had the tinted American flag rear window, as well as a painting on the side that made the truck looked like it was being ripped open to reveal an American flag beneath the sheet metal.

    Still, I don’t think anything can top Bush/Cheney ’04. It says, I voted for Bush in 2000 and I liked what I saw for the next four years.

  16. I keep seeing this scary old man riding a motorcycle with the bumper sticker “GOD is coming for YOU” stuck to his windshield. He tailgated me 3 times this week. I felt like it was a sign of bad things to come.

  17. I just went back and read the Julio the Plumber post. (I expected it to be a link to YouTube to a Saturday Night Live sketch with Antonio Banderas playing a completely hot but incompetent plumber.)

    Loved the Julio post – it was quite funny and well-written.

  18. “Some asshole stole my support magnet” on a car with a (an?) “In God We Trust” license plate. Yes, in Indiana you can opt for a state-issued license plate style that says “In God We Trust”.

  19. I can help but giggle at the steaming pile of poop. Hi. I’m 8 years old.

  20. Posted by sadieandleo on October 18, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    It’s so funny that I saw the “poop” bumper sticker last night and I burst out with laughter… I also had a really really trying day, so please forgive me.

  21. #4 is my biggest peeve. cause i have so been known to do just that.

    so typical of me

  22. I’m going to guess that he maybe bought the car from someone who had like Kerry bumper sticker or an Obama one and he got mad because DEMOCRATS DON’T THINK POOP IS FUNNY! Or something like that.

    I’m so making a shirt that says “Jesus is coming. Look busy.”

  23. I once saw a car completely covered with bumper stickers. It was ridiculous.

    I’m hesitant to put a sticker on my car because I know eventually I’d grow tired of it and want to rip it off.

  24. Posted by Samantha in NY on October 22, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Sorry. But McCain/Palin is SO much better than this sticker that I saw:

    “If I can’t see it and it’s not wriggling, it is NOT a human.”

    Just my opinion. I’d rather have a presidential bumper sticker that offers endorsement than one that claims a tiny baby in the middle of their third trimester isn’t ‘viable’ or a human.

  25. Posted by Sarah on October 26, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    I’m sorry, but “Jesus is coming. Look busy.” always makes me chuckle. That is one ugly-ass car though.

  26. Getting caught up with you is such fun! I explained to my daughters about the “Shit Happens” bumper sticker today. My Diva Daughter asked WHY couldn’t people just use another word for it?
    She was so disgusted.

    Have a great week Noelle.

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